Wednesday, 4 February 2015



1 comment:

  1. OGR 06/02/2015

    Hi Max,

    Okay - so I've a few observations/suggestions.

    I had to read your script a few times to understand what's actually happening in the zone beyond the joke shop, and even then, I'm not too sure re. the alien's belly etc. It does feel a little over-engineered - or rather, the reading experience of what you describe doesn't create a clear visual in my head. The drawing you provide makes things a little clearer, but it does seem a complex arrangement - we have the alien shopkeeper, we have the buyer, and we have the alien with the belly as mechanism? You've got a lot to establish in a short time and maybe the idea that beyond the shop there are aliens seeking to collect children is enough. Also, I can't help feeling that you don't need the actual, literal butterfly imagery anymore; the 'butterfly hunter' is a collector of children; children who go to the jokeshop are put into jam jars and sent into space. Again, there's a sense of you over-complicating/over-engineering what is already a big surprise/adjustment for your audience - keep it simple and graspable in one go.

    Also - I don't understand your ending; you set things up with a bullying older sibling, and then, when the alien asks the boy if he knows of another specimen, you just have him running off scared.... bit of an anticlimax. Why not end with the younger sibling leading his older brother to the joke shop? I thought this was your original plan?

    In terms of character design, I've already said how drawn I am to your first thumbnails; there's something eccentric and 'Yellow Submarine' about them that I like. I look forward to you developing these more so.